Anyone who struggles with anxiety understands the negative thinking patterns that are associated with it. If you are not familiar with it, try to think about the thoughts you have in moments of stress. A common thing that I always fall victim to is negative thought behaviors and tendencies to obsess over something I can not change or something that has already happened. Sometimes these thoughts and obsessions are very subtle, and if you’re not really paying attention, you probably won’t even realize you’re doing it.

Think about it. Have you ever had a moment when you were spending some time with a person and you said something that embarrassed you? Something as simple as suggesting something that a person could do, and they answer back that they have already tried the thing that you suggested. You tell them “oh, ok,” and then you think to yourself that you’re dumb for mentioning something so obvious. You don’t stop there either, you continue to dwell on it for the rest of the evening and you find yourself still obsessing over it by the time you are done hanging out with that person. Even worse, you’ve started to focus on other negative things you do and you’re just now in a really bad mood and all you can think about is how dumb all your ideas are, how you’re not a helpful person, a bad friend, an awful coworker, etc.

This happens to me a lot. I’m very critical of the things I do and say and when I feel like I’ve said something generic and unhelpful, I will focus on that for the rest of the night. Sometimes, a negative thought will stay with me for weeks. I’ve realized that I have a hard time speaking to people because I am always worried that everyone I encounter is judging me and the things I say. I am afraid of offending people, hurting people’s feelings, saying the wrong thing, sounding uneducated, being awkward, and most of all, not fitting in. Once you criticize something you said, it’s very easy to continue judging your other actions throughout the rest of the evening. “Why would you say something so dumb? Obviously this person has already of thought of that,” will slowly turn into “you just talked so much about something that no one cares about and everyone thinks you’re annoying,” which then turns into “you haven’t done a single thing to contribute to this group conversation for over an hour and everyone thinks you’re really weird.”

These negative thinking patterns are common among people who suffer from depression, generalized anxiety, and other forms of mental illness. The very hardest thing for me to do when I was trying to overcome my social anxiety, was first to understand what my social anxiety looked like, and from there, to accept it as part of me and internalize it. It took me over two years to really accept that I had social anxiety, and to accept that even though it had a huge impact on my life, that it was ok and I could find ways to cope with it. I didn’t need to let my anxiety define me anymore. From there, I sought out counseling instead of spending time agonizing over how I wished I was more normal and capable of handling my internal battle.

After I was able to call social anxiety apart of myself, I started focusing on how it manifested itself and how I could help myself feel better in moments of frustrations. I realized that I often got stuck in negative thought patterns that would start to loop. “I’m so quiet and everyone thinks I’m weird.” “I offered a solution that no one thinks will work. How could I be so stupid?” “No one has tried to hangout with me for an entire week. Everyone hates me.” “I asked my friend for help and they probably think I’m a huge burden.” These thoughts are easy to get swept up in, but you have to kindly remind yourself that you are human and even though you so strongly feel like people are invested in your entire existence, they mostly just care that you are safe and well, and they’re not actually paying too much attention to every single thing you’re saying. They’re not inwardly laughing at you for saying something silly, or telling everyone that you’re dumb behind your back, or secretly mad at you for repeating something that someone already said. But, when you do notice yourself having negative thoughts, it’s important to identify those thoughts as they arise and to quickly redirect your thoughts to more positive ones, before your brain has a chance to snowball. For example, here are some healthy responses to the negative thoughts mentioned above:

Negative thought: “I’m so quiet and everyone thinks I’m weird.”
Healthy response: “I mean, you were kind of quiet, but I bet everyone thinks you’re friendly.”

Negative thought: “I offered a solution that no one thinks will work. How could I be so stupid?”
Healthy response: “Maybe no one used your idea, but your input was appreciated and it shows that you care to be willing to brainstorm with everyone.”

Negative thought: “No one has tried to hangout with me for an entire week. Everyone hates me.”
Healthy response: “It seems like all my friends are busy this week. I should reach out and see if anyone is available to hangout.”

Negative thought: “I asked my friend for help and they probably think I’m a huge burden.”
Healthy response: “Everyone needs help sometimes and if my friends didn’t want to help me or were too busy, they would have told me that.”

It’s normal to regret something you’ve said or done, but believe me, the sooner you are able to forgive yourself for things that embarrass you, or have you stressed out, the sooner you are able to start viewing your insecurities in a more positive light. This has taken me over two years of practice and I still struggle with it from time to time. It’s just important to remember, that if you find yourself struggling with positive thinking, it takes time to learn new behaviors. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been having negative thought patterns for the majority of your life and that’s not something you just stop doing completely one day. It takes patience and practice and overtime, it will be easier to do. Regardless of whether or not you are out with friends, or at home alone, positive thinking will help you feel better. With anxiety, your brain is your own worst enemy, but you CAN train your brain to be kinder to yourself.

I can’t really remember a time in my life when I wasn’t effected by social anxiety. It manifested itself in so many ways, and I never really understood what I was going through until I had turned 20. Even as a kid, people would always make comments about how quiet and shy I was. I had a lot of personality and I was constantly running around the house being silly and loud. But if I had never spent a ton of time around a person, I was considered very “bashful” and “modest.”

It wasn’t until high school that I really started to have trouble with my anxiety. I still had no idea why I was always so stressed out and why I couldn’t seem to do school assignments like everyone else I was surrounded by. I had trouble doing group assignments because I was always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I would often not participate because the fear of being judged freaked me out so much. Speeches were the end all for me. I would spend so much time stressing out about public speaking, that it’s all I would think about. On the day that I was supposed to do my speech, I wouldn’t be able to eat. I’d get so nervous that I felt like I was going to vomit. When I’d go up in front of the class, my hands would get clammy and I would start shaking, and I would stumble over words. There’s smaller things that affected my daily life that caused a lot of inward turmoil that I don’t think a lot of people really talk about. But, whenever I was in class, or in the cafeteria, I would sit incredibly still, as to not attract unwanted attention to myself. I didn’t go to school dances, join clubs, makes friends, or pass classes because I was always afraid of social interactions. I was afraid of looking like a loser who didn’t have friends and I was terrified of being stuck in that moment by myself.

It’s pretty normal to get nervous sometimes. Especially for bigger things like job interviews, dates, public speaking. It’s ok and normal to be nervous. But when that nervousness starts to get in the way of your every day life, it becomes a problem. I always felt weird and out of place and I never thought I would find anyone on this planet who struggled with the same anxieties as I did, and I can’t tell you how amazing I felt when I had first discovered what social anxiety is. I had been doing research on ways to feel more confident in social settings when I had stumbled across social anxiety and from there, I was scouring the web to read more and more about it. I had never read something that accurately described how I felt all the time, every waking moment of my life, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I was completely alone. From there, the real journey started and a couple years later I was signing up for therapy to get help.

In the last year, I’ve discovered healthy ways to cope with social anxiety. I still have bad days, where I really struggle, but when days like that happen, they don’t feel like the end of the world. I’m constantly listening to my thoughts for negative thinking patterns and trying to tell myself that things are ok when I start to get too hard on myself. My goal in writing this blog is to help other people cope with their anxieties, and if I can help even one person, I will consider this blog a success. Thank you for reading, and until next time, cheers!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton